Two and a Half Men Season 1 - Watch Online

Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episodes

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Season 1 Episode Guide

Episode 1 - Pilot

Commercial jingle writer Charlie Harper (series star Charlie Sheen) is a wealthy bachelor with a house at the beach, a Jaguar in the garage and an easy way with women. But his Malibu lifestyle is interrupted when his uptight chiropractor brother, Alan (series star Jon Cryer), arrives unexpectedly with Alan's 10-year-old son, Jake (series star Angus T. Jones). Alan's wife, Judith (series star Marin Hinkle), suspecting that she may be gay, wants a divorce. Charlie reluctantly allows Alan and Jake to live with him temporarily, but as it becomes increasingly obvious that Judith is never going to relent, Charlie and Alan's self-obsessed, controlling unmarried mother, Evelyn (series star Holland Taylor), offers to let father and son live with her. However, by that time, Charlie has formed a close bond with the clever Jake, even learning a few things about poker from the boy. Charlie also finds out that pretending to be a single dad with a cute kid can be a great lure for women. Meanwhile, Charlie tries to evade Rose (series star MelanieE Lynskey), an attractive, offbeat neighbor who had a brief fling with him and remains determined to stay in his life by whatever means necessary. Missing Jake, Charlie surprises even himself and asks Alan and Jake to live with him permanently. Despite their strained relationship, the brothers discover that they have one thing in common: They both love Jake and want what's best for him. Together these two-and-a-half men face the challenges of growing up.

Episode 1 - Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot

Episode 2 - Big Flappy Bastards

Unsure how to properly discipline Jake, Charlie ignores him after the child "forgets" to stop feeding the seagulls and leaves the door open. As a result, the gaggle of birds enters the house. Meanwhile, Alan gets a surprise from Judith when he goes home to fix her sprinklers.

Episode 2 - Season 1, Episode 2: Big Flappy Bastards

Episode 4 - If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

Charlie's longtime cleaning lady, Berta (recurring guest star Conchata Ferrell), quits her job, and Charlie quickly realizes he can't function without her. When Alan tries to take Berta's place but doesn't succeed, Charlie sends him to lure her back. Meanwhile, Alan places Charlie in charge of getting Jake ready for Judith, who is coming to take her son out for a nice dinner with her parents. Rock star Steven Tyler of the band Aerosmith does a voice-over as himself.

Episode 5 - Season 1, Episode 5: Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

After a drunken night in Las Vegas, Charlie reluctantly attends one of Jake's soccer games. But Alan and Charlie soon discover the advantages of going to these matches. The players' mothers are quite attractive, and Charlie makes a date with a particularly sexy soccer mom. Meanwhile, when two single mothers discover that Alan is newly available, they "hit" on him--literally.

Episode 8 - Season 1, Episode 8: Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful

When Alan and Judith argue during a rehearsal of a play that Jake and his classmates are rehearsing, Charlie is forced to handle a roomful of fourth graders alone. The kids think Charlie is a loser until they realize he wrote the "Maple Loops" cereal jingle. When Charlie discovers the children know every jingle he's ever written, he decides to use his commercial expertise to craft the play--with some interesting results.

Episode 9 - Season 1, Episode 9: Phase One Complete

Charlie likes his sweet new girlfriend, Wendy (Myndy Crist), but he becomes concerned when Jake forms a strong friendship with her. When Wendy charms Evelyn as well, Charlie worries that Wendy is expecting more from the relationship than he is and ends it. But when Jake gets mad at him, Charlie learns an important lesson. Meanwhile, Alan takes playing his board game very seriously when competing against Rose.

Episode 10 - Season 1, Episode 10: Merry Thanksgiving

When Charlie finds out that his favorite former girlfriend, Lisa (Denise Richards - "Scary Movie 3," "Undercover Brother"), is getting married, he desperately tries to prove to her that he has become a better family man than her fiancé, despite his inability to commit to her. He persuades Judith to bring her parents and Jake to his house for a big family Thanksgiving dinner, along with Alan, Evelyn, Rose and Charlie's irritable housekeeper, Berta (recurring guest star Conchata Ferrell). But with that bunch, Charlie can only carry on the charade for so long.

Episode 10 - Merry Thanksgiving

Episode 11 - Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

Charlie and Jake convince Alan to get a makeover when it appears Judith is moving forward since the breakup, sporting a new hairdo and new date. Alan realizes he may truly be in need of a change when his own son tells him he doesn't look cool. But when Charlie takes Alan shopping, the brothers clash over what image is right for him. Meanwhile, highfalutin Evelyn remains at Charlie's house to bond with her grandson, Jake.

Episode 12 - Camel Filters and Pheremones

When Charlie's cleaning woman, Berta (recurring guest star Conchata Ferrell), brings her sexy and rebellious 16-year-old daughter, Prudence (Megan Fox), to Charlie's house, Jake develops a childish infatuation with her--and Charlie and Alan try to restrain their interest in the flirtatious minor as well. Meanwhile, Rose's dream comes true when Charlie pretends that Rose is his girlfriend in order to fend off Prudence. And Judith fears that the guys' lifestyle is unacceptable for Jake.

Episode 12 - Season 1, Episode 12: Camel Filters and Pheremones

Episode 13 - Sarah Like Puny Alan

Alan worries that Charlie will become infected with Jake's contagious cold; however, Alan gets sick instead. Jake heals, and Charlie is fine. Desperate to get a date with a sexy woman, Charlie volunteers a very reluctant Alan to escort the woman's sister, turning the date into a foursome. Charlie tries to speed Alan's recuperation, but when Charlie gets ill and Alan discovers how attractive the sister is, their roles reverse. Meanwhile, Alan objects when Charlie takes advantage of having the same tastes in humor as his 10-year-old nephew.

Episode 13 - Season 1, Episode 13: Sarah Like Puny Alan

Episode 15 - Season 1, Episode 15: Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

Charlie and Alan find Frankie (recurring guest star Jenna Elfman - "Dharma & Greg," "Looney Tunes: Back in Action"), a sexy but seemingly crazy woman, hitting a car with a baseball bat. Despite Alan's warnings, Charlie becomes totally infatuated with her. After they make a quick getaway from the parking garage where Alan accidentally set off the smashed car's alarm system, Charlie brings Frankie back to his Malibu home. Alan, wary of her at first, reconsiders when she compliments his career as a chiropractor. But the two brothers, both competing for her attention, are taken aback by a secret that she's been hiding.

Episode 17 - Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

Alan offends Charlie by choosing their crazy cousins as Jake's guardians if he and Judith were to die. Later, Alan does some errands and leaves Jake with Charlie, who's still sulking over Alan's will. As the two play basketball, Jake falls, hitting his head. Charlie rushes him to the emergency room and finds that his charm with women doesn't work with the admitting nurse. Charlie knows the stakes are high, as he must prove to Alan that he can be a responsible guardian.

Episode 17 - Season 1, Episode 17: Ate the Hamburgers Wearing the Hats

Episode 20 - Season 1, Episode 20: Hey I Can Pee Outside in the Dark?

Jake becomes a brooding musician when he continuously plays "Smoke on the Water" on his guitar with an ever-present grumpy attitude. In order to cheer him up, Alan tries a father/son chat, Charlie offers a jam session and Berta (recurring guest star Conchata Ferrell) just thinks the kid is constipated. Finally, Judith convinces Alan that Jake needs professional assistance, and they enlist the help of Dr. Linda Freeman (recurring guest star Jane Lynch - "Best in Show").

Episode 22 - My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

Alan succumbs to Judith's demand that they take Jake to therapy every week because "it's what all the other divorced parents are doing," but he doesn't realize that he, too, is having issues ... with sleepwalking. Evelyn hints to Charlie that Alan used to sleepwalk as a child, leading Charlie to come up with a clever new solution to Alan's recurring problem. Recurring guest star Jane Lynch ("Best In Show") returns as Jake's therapist, Dr. Linda Freeman.

Episode 23 - Just Like Buffalo

When Jake imitates one of Charlie's sexist remarks in front of Judith's support group, the women decide that Charlie's home is an unfit environment for the child. With the women's approval, Judith agrees to let Alan see Jake on weekends, but not at Charlie's place. Charlie must cajole the support group in order to win his nephew back.

Episode 24 - Can You Feel My Finger?

One of Charlie's many women fears she's pregnant, and Charlie is relieved when the lady finds out she's not. When Alan realizes that this is not Charlie's first pregnancy scare, he suggests a permanent solution for Charlie--a vasectomy. Charlie's doctor recommends freezing some sperm in case Charlie changes his mind about having children, but things don't go quite as planned.

Episode 25 - Season 2, Episode 1: Back Off Mary Poppins

Charlie Harper (series star Charlie Sheen) is a well-to-do bachelor with a house at the beach, a Jaguar in the garage and an easy way with women. His casual Malibu lifestyle was interrupted when his tightly wound brother, Alan (series star Jon Cryer), and Alan's young son, Jake (series star Angus T. Jones), came to stay with him. Complicating matters further are Charlie and Alan's narcissistic, emotionally toxic mother, Evelyn (series star Holland Taylor--not appearing in this episode); Alan's deeply neurotic ex-wife, Judith (series star Marin Hinkle); Charlie's domineering, unapologetically blue-collar housekeeper, Berta (series star Conchata Ferrell--not appearing in this episode); and Rose (series star Melanie Lynskey), a brilliantly manipulative and vaguely crazy neighbor who had a brief fling with Charlie, remains obsessed with him and is determined to stay in his life by whatever means necessary.

Episode 28 - Season 2, Episode 4: Go Get Mommy's Bra

Jake adores Judith's rich, new boyfriend because the man has a boat and a pool, and he promises to teach Jake how to snorkel and scuba dive. Feeling inadequate, Alan teaches his 11-year-old son how to drive a car. But when Judith's boyfriend ends the relationship, Jake becomes furious at his mother. Now it's Judith's turn to feel inadequate, and Alan does something he may regret.

Episode 31 - Season 2, Episode 7: A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

In order to serve as a good example to Jake, who has been disrespectful lately to his mother, Charlie and Alan begrudgingly agree to give their own mother a party to celebrate her real estate achievements. Berta suggests they hire her sister, Daisy (Camryn Manheim - "The Practice"), who owns a catering company. But having recently split from her husband, an emotionally unhinged Daisy throws a party that is unforgettable for all the wrong reasons.

Episode 33 - Season 2, Episode 9: Yes Monsignor

Charlie encounters Lisa (recurring guest star Denise Richards, series star Charlie Sheen's real-life wife), the woman he thought was "the one" until she informed him of her engagement another man. He's thrilled to learn that her marriage did not work out, even though there's now a new wrinkle in their potential relationship--a baby (played by Sheen and Richards' daughter, Sam, in her first screen appearance).

Episode 34 - Season 2, Episode 10: The Salmon Under My Sweater

Charlie writes the theme song for a new cartoon based on one of Jake's favorite comics, but Jake hates the song. Realizing that Jake knows the comic better than he does, Charlie enlists his nephew's help. Meanwhile, Rose invites Alan to a movie and surprises him with her intellect.

Episode 38 - Season 2, Episode 14: Those Big Pink Things with Coconut

After Evelyn undermines Jake's confidence by belittling his hard-earned high grade on a test, Alan decides to cut her out of their lives. When Charlie and Alan receive news that Evelyn is in the hospital, they realize it's a ploy for her to get back into their lives. They decide to play along, pretending to schedule her for heart surgery, but they don't realize that Evelyn is still one step ahead of them.

Episode 40 - Season 2, Episode 16: Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?

Judith takes a vacation and leaves Jake with Alan. But then Alan finds out he's being audited by the Internal Revenue Service. Burdened with this last-minute misfortune, he's forced to leave Jake in Charlie's irresponsible hands and hopes that his brother can get Jake to school.

Episode 41 - Season 2, Episode 17: Woo-Hoo a Hernia Exam!

While in a precarious position with a woman, Charlie injures his back and won't let Alan--a chiropractor--help him. After Alan drives Charlie to the doctor's office, Charlie is surprised to learn that his physician died four years ago, and a beautiful female, Dr. Michelle Talmadge (Alicia Coppola - "Bull"), has replaced him. Meanwhile, Berta teaches Jake a lesson.

Episode 42 - Season 2, Episode 18: It Was 'Mame' Mom

Charlie masquerades as a homosexual so that Eric (David Starzyk), the gay owner of an advertising agency, will continue to give Charlie more jingles to write. Charlie convinces Alan to pretend to be his gay partner and attend a party hosted by Eric. At the party, Charlie is immediately attracted to Pamela (Lucy Lawless - "Xena: Warrior Princess")--who is convinced Charlie is gay even after he confesses the truth. But the pressure of trying to prove his heterosexuality to Pamela proves too much for Charlie to overcome.

Episode 45 - Season 2, Episode 21: A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

While scanning the obituaries for potential property listings, Evelyn discovers that her second husband, Harry, has died. Although pleased that Alan agrees to attend the funeral with her, she's furious to hear that he had stayed in contact with Harry over the years. Evelyn then reveals to her sons that she didn't actually leave Harry, but that he left her--for a younger woman. Charlie and Jake also attend the funeral. And Evelyn learns a surprising new detail about her ex-husband.

Episode 46 - Season 2, Episode 22: That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

After Evelyn gives Alan a loan so he can purchase a new Porsche, Charlie informs his brother that Alan has sold his soul to the devil. Evelyn proves Charlie is right when she coerces Alan to go on a double date with Trudy (Chloe Webb - "China Beach," "Sid and Nancy")--whose father Evelyn wants as a boyfriend. But Evelyn and Trudy's dad never show up at the restaurant, leaving Alan alone with Trudy. And Alan learns things about his date that he'd rather not know.

Episode 48 - Season 2, Episode 24: Does This Smell Funny to You?

Charlie has sex with a gorgeous young woman, Natalie (Karen Trella), without realizing she's married to an elderly man, Norman (Orson Bean - "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"). At school, Jake is required to give a report to his fifth-grade class about his weekend. He recalls that he was eating breakfast when an old man came to the house looking for his wife. From there, Jake's perspective of the weekend's events departs from what really happened at the Harper home.

Episode 50 - Season 3, Episode 2: Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

When Jake's school principal demands to meet immediately with Alan concerning a picture Jake drew of a large-breasted schoolmate, Alan leaves a phone message asking Charlie to help, but Charlie doesn't respond. After Alan accuses him of "not being there for him," Charlie agrees to answer phones at Alan's chiropractic office, where Charlie proceeds to hire a "masseuse" to help out with the practice. Meanwhile, before the principal determines Jake's fate, she makes Alan meet the classmate's mother--whom Alan tries hard not to offend.

Episode 51 - Season 3, Episode 3: Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

Charlie is dismayed to learn that Alan's recent dating spree has been with Alan's ex-wife, Judith. Charlie fears he will rarely get to see Jake if Alan and Judith reconcile. So Charlie does everything in his power--including trying to distract Alan with beautiful women (Former Playboy Playmates Sandy and Mandy Bentley)--to keep the two apart. As it turns out, Charlie underestimates his brother's ability to screw things up on his own.

Episode 52 - Season 3, Episode 4: Your Dismissive Attitude Towards Boobs

Alan infuriates Charlie when he gives Berta permission to move into the beach house for a couple of days. Charlie reprimands Alan and informs him that he's just a houseguest and doesn't have the right to allow Berta to stay with them. Hurt by Charlie's reaction, Alan decides that he and Jake need to move into their own place. But after he returns from apartment hunting with their mother, Alan begs Charlie to let him and Jake remain. Neither man realizes that Berta goaded the brothers into the argument so she could permanently move in with Charlie.

Episode 53 - Season 3, Episode 5: We Called It Mr. Pinky

After a woman Charlie has been having sex with professes her love for him, he responds inappropriately and suffers from impotence. Later, Rose explains that Charlie's inability to have a long-lasting relationship is due to unresolved issues with his mother. Meanwhile, much to Alan's chagrin, Jake approaches Charlie for relationship advice regarding a girl at school who likes him.

Episode 56 - Season 3, Episode 8: That Voodoo That I Do

After Charlie's romantic overtures towards Mia (recurring guest star Emmanuel Vaugier - "Smallville," "One Tree Hill," "Saw II"), an attractive ballet teacher, are rejected, Charlie tries to prove to Alan that he can persuade Mia to go on a date with him. Charlie cons Jake into taking her ballet class so Charlie can get close to her, but his plan is derailed when Jake becomes infatuated with her.

Episode 57 - Season 3, Episode 9: Madame and Her Special Friend

A wealthy, elderly woman named Norma (Academy Award and multiple Emmy Award winner Cloris Leachman - "Malcolm in the Middle," "Spanglish") is romantically interested in Alan.

Episode 58 - Season 3, Episode 10: Something Salty and Twisted

Alan organizes a family dinner to celebrate the publication of a newspaper article that describes him as a "good doctor, good neighbor and a good guy," but he's crushed when his mother, Evelyn, isn't impressed. After getting drunk, Alan experiences a life-changing epiphany and vows to a skeptical Charlie that he is no longer going to grovel for validation from his mother and the other women in his life.

Episode 59 - Season 3, Episode 11: Santa's Village of the Damned

When Alan dates a cooking instructor, Sandy (Josie Davis - "Beverly Hills 90210"), both he and Charlie gain weight. But even as it becomes clear that Sandy is mentally unstable, Charlie refuses to allow Alan to break up with her, fearing the loss of her fabulous meals. Meanwhile, as usual, the brothers agonize over whether or not to visit their mother for Christmas.

Episode 62 - Season 3, Episode 14: Love Isn't Blind It's Retarded

After a month and a half of abstinence, Charlie is quite eager to consummate his relationship with Mia (recurring guest star Emmanuelle Vaugier). Unfortunately, there are still a few roadblocks, including Charlie's oversexed ex-girlfriend, Kandi (recurring guest star April Bowlby), and Mia's parents. When the big day finally comes, Charlie worries that he may not be at the top of his game. Meanwhile, Alan discovers the joys of dating Kandi, although intellectually she may have more in common with Jake.

Episode 63 - Season 3, Episode 15: My Tongue Is Meat

Charlie can't keep pace with the healthy routine that Mia has introduced into their relationship, so he sneaks cigars and beers in the garage and enlists Rose to deliver burgers to him on the sly. When Mia catches him lying, Charlie has to figure out if he is truly in love with her.

Episode 66 - Season 3, Episode 18: The Spit-Covered Cobbler

Alan gets into financial trouble because he keeps paying the expenses of his young girlfriend, Kandi (recurring guest star April Bowlby). When Kandi's old car breaks down, Alan leases a new one for her. Charlie warns him to break up with her, but Alan spends his last dime on Kandi's root canal and can't pay alimony to Judith, forcing Charlie to cover for him.

Episode 67 - Season 3, Episode 19: Golly Moses She's a Muffin

Kandi (recurring guest star April Bowlby) moves in with Alan and Charlie, causing tension in the house. Charlie's not happy to learn of the new arrangement, considering he himself has been having a dry spell with women. Things begin to look up for Charlie, however, when Judith befriends Kandi, and a special visitor comes knocking on his door. Recurring guest star Gail O'Grady ("Hot Properties," "American Dreams," "NYPD Blue") appears as Kandi's mother, Mandi.

Episode 71 - Season 3, Episode 23: Arguments for the Quickie

When Charlie finds out that his ex-girlfriend, Mia (recurring guest star Emmanuelle Vaugier), is in town with her dance troupe and wants him to come to her performance, he opts not to go and tries to behave as if he were no longer attracted to her. After surprising Alan--and himself--by showing up at the dance performance, Charlie gets another surprise when Mia explains that she wants something personal from him: his sperm. Shockingly, commitment-phobic Charlie responds by asking Mia for something as well.

Episode 72 - Season 3, Episode 24: That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

With Charlie and Mia (recurring guest star Emmanuelle Vaugier) arranging their wedding, their families meet, and things immediately begin to fall apart. Rose takes Charlie's engagement news hard and makes some interesting plans of her own. There is also the question of where Alan and Jake will live after Charlie and Mia get married. Ultimately, Charlie and his bride-to-be end up deciding on a small ceremony in Vegas--but the surprises don't end there.

Episode 75 - Season 4, Episode 3: The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress

Charlie attempts to surf in order to impress a beautiful girl--with disastrous results. Later, after nearly drowning, he tells Alan that when Charlie's life was hanging in the balance, the guys' deceased father appeared to him and made a request that Charlie is reluctant to fulfill.

Episode 76 - Season 4, Episode 4: A Pot-Smokin' Monkey

Alan and Kandi become embroiled in an unconventional custody battle. Alan is determined to retain custody of his and Kandi's dog after Kandi walks away from their split with both the condominium and the car. Having also lost everything to Judith following their divorce, Alan decides to hire the best lawyer he knows--Judith's.

Episode 77 - Season 4, Episode 5: A Live Woman of Proven Fertility

Alan is overjoyed that he'll no longer owe Judith alimony when she marries her new fiancé, Herb (recurring guest star Ryan Stiles - "The Drew Carey Show"). However, when Judith and Herb's marriage plans are threatened due to Jake's disdain for his soon-to-be stepfather, Alan enlists Charlie's help, and the guys bond with Herb in an effort to improve his relationship with Jake.

Episode 79 - Season 4, Episode 7: Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head

When Berta swears vengeance on the married man who got her daughter, Naomi (recurring guest star Sara Rue), pregnant, she forces Charlie to come with her. Meanwhile, Naomi helps Berta with the housework. And Alan reveals an unusual fetish.

Episode 81 - Season 4, Episode 9: Corey's Been Dead for an Hour

During a double date, Charlie becomes annoyed with Alan for constantly borrowing money and promising to pay the tab "next time." When Alan leaves Charlie with the check after dinner, Charlie tries to beat him at his own game. Meanwhile, while the men are out, Jake gets to see what it's like to be home alone.

Episode 84 - Season 4, Episode 12: Castrating Sheep in Montana

When Berta discovers that Alan has been secretly dating her daughter, Naomi (recurring guest star Sara Rue), Alan expects trouble. But Berta's reaction is surprising--and much worse--than Alan could have imagined.

Episode 86 - Season 4, Episode 14: That's Summer Sausage Not Salami

After getting to know Danielle (Brooke Shields - "Nip/Tuck," "Suddenly Susan"), the guys' hot new neighbor, Charlie discovers that she shares some common interests with Alan and proceeds--with ulterior motives--to set them up. But when things begin to heat up between Alan and Danielle, Charlie becomes jealous and attempts to sabotage the relationship.

Episode 89 - Season 4, Episode 17: I Merely Slept with a Commie

After Alan and Charlie tell Evelyn that none of her acquaintances will mourn her when she dies, she bitterly ignores them for a few weeks. The guys then discover that, instead of trying to be more pleasant to the people she knows, Evelyn has brought together a whole new group of "friends," including two men and a cute boy who seem suspiciously like adoring versions of Charlie, Alan and Jake. Meanwhile, Jake develops an interesting new way of speaking.

Episode 93 - Season 4, Episode 21: Tucked Taped and Gorgeous

When Greg (Matt Roth), a single father from Alan's support group who has been spending a lot of time with Alan, reveals that he is gay, Charlie suspects that Greg is attracted to Alan. Alan initially refuses to believe that his friendship with Greg is anything romantic, but he soon questions his own sexuality--as does Charlie. Meanwhile, Jake is too clueless to realize that Greg's young daughter is flirting with him.

Episode 94 - Season 4, Episode 22: Mr. McGlue's Feedbag

Jake experiences a windfall when Charlie takes him to the racetrack. Meanwhile, Alan is stuck in a hellish Department of Motor Vehicles office. Series star Jon Cryer made his directorial debut with the episode. Joel Murray ("Dharma & Greg") guest stars as Petey.

Episode 95 - Season 4, Episode 23: Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'

Charlie loses a woman he is dating to a young, handsome handyman, Fernando (Grammy Award-winning recording artist Enrique Iglesias), who is working on Charlie's house. Meanwhile, to Alan's consternation--and no one's surprise--Jake finds out that he must attend summer school because of his poor grades.

Episode 97 - Season 5, Episode 1: Large Birds Spiders and Mom

In the fifth season premiere, Charlie and Alan try to prepare Jake for his first day of junior high school -- but they might end up traumatizing him instead.

Episode 102 - Season 5, Episode 6: Help Daddy Find His Toenail

Charlie's girlfriend, Linda (recurring guest star Ming Wen), is embarrassed to be seen in public with him. Meanwhile, despite Alan forbidding it, Jake sneaks out to a concert.

Episode 104 - Season 5, Episode 8: Is There a Mrs. Waffles?

Charlie finds success as a children's singing star, making Alan miserable. Guest star Richard Kind ("Spin City") appears as Artie, an executive at Charlie's record label.

Episode 105 - Season 5, Episode 9: Tight's Good

After Evelyn and Teddy (recurring guest star Robert Wagner - "Hart to Hart," "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me") become engaged, Charlie struggles to fight his attraction to Teddy's daughter, Courtney (guest star Jenny McCarthy - "Scary Movie 3," "Dirty Love"), Charlie's soon-to-be stepsister.

Episode 106 - Season 5, Episode 10: Kinda Like Necrophilia

While trying to help Jake get over a breakup, Alan discovers that it was Charlie who stole his high school girlfriend. Alan seeks revenge on Charlie by following the same advice Charlie dispenses to Jake.

Episode 108 - Season 5, Episode 12: A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh

Rose (recurring guest star Melanie Lynskey), Charlie's lovable stalker, is back from England and takes strange care of a very sick Charlie.

Episode 109 - Season 5, Episode 13: The Soil Is Moist

Alan dates one of his ex-wife's friends who reveals a secret about Judith's sex life. Recurring guest star Ryan Stiles appears as Judith's second husband.

Episode 110 - Season 5, Episode 14: Winky-Dink Time

Charlie goes with Jake on a double date and sets Alan up with a prostitute. Recurring guest star Melanie Lynskey appears as Rose.

Episode 111 - Season 5, Episode 15: Rough Night in Hump Junction

Alan worries that Charlie's womanizing is out of control. Jane Lynch returns as Charlie's therapist, and Emmanuelle Vaugier returns as Charlie's former fiancée, Mia.

Episode 114 - Season 5, Episode 18: If My Hole Could Talk

Charlie finds himself attracted to Angie (recurring guest star Susan Blakely), an older woman who writes self-help books. Meanwhile, Alan and Jake battle over a school assignment.

Episode 115 - Season 5, Episode 19: Waiting for the Right Snapper

Charlie tries to resist temptation when he meets the grown daughter of the woman he's dating (Susan Blakely) and realizes they've met before. Jane Lynch guest stars as Dr. Freeman.

Episode 117 - Season 6, Episode 2: Pie Hole Herb

Alan (series star Jon Cryer) lends Charlie money and crosses a line in his attempts to get it back.

Episode 118 - Season 6, Episode 3: Damn You Eggs Benedict

Charlie tries cooking, Alan tries dating two women at the same time and Jake (series star Angus T. Jones) tries beer.

Episode 119 - Season 6, Episode 4: The Flavin' and the Mavin'

Charlie romances Alans sweet receptionist (guest star Kelly Stables) as Alan anxiously awaits disaster.

Episode 120 - Season 6, Episode 5: A Jock Strap in Hell

The guys bump into Jake's former teacher, Miss Paternak (guest star Alicia Witt) who became a stripper after a fling with Charlie. Charlie tries to help her out by giving her a room and a job, but things spiral out of control.

Episode 124 - Season 6, Episode 9: The Mooch At the Boo

Jake disappears with the daughter of Charlie's neighbor, a former NFL player (guest star Michael Clarke Duncan), and Charlie is left to cover his back.

Episode 125 - Season 6, Episode 10: He Smelled the Ham He Got Excited

Evelyn offers to pay for Jake's college education, leaving Alan to wonder if he ever needs to work again.

Episode 126 - Season 6, Episode 11: The Devil's Lube

One of Charlies old partners in crime dies, leaving Charlie to reevaluate his own reckless lifestyle. Charlie Sheens brother Emilio Estevez guest stars as Charlies old friend Andy, along with Oscar® nominee James Earl Jones as himself.

Episode 127 - Season 6, Episode 12: Thank God for Scoliosis

Charlie and Jake fight for the affections of a waitress (guest star Emily Rose), while Alan fights sexual tension with his receptionist, Melissa (guest star Kelly Stables). Multiple Emmy® Award winner Carol Kane (“Taxi”) guest stars as Melissas mother.

Episode 129 - Season 6, Episode 14: David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie

Convinced that Alans family doesnt fully appreciate him, Melissa (guest star Kelly Stables) invites Alan to live with her and her mom (guest star Carol Kane).

Episode 130 - Season 6, Episode 15: I'd Like to Start with the Cat

Charlie finds himself in couples counseling.

Episode 131 - Season 6, Episode 16: She'd Still Be Dead At Halftime

Charlie has to remove a half-naked woman (guest star Diora Baird) from his bedroom before Chelsea (guest star Jennifer Taylor) arrives.

Episode 135 - Season 6, Episode 20: Hello I Am Alan Cousteau

Evelyn finally meets Chelsea and Charlie – then tries to prevent them from becoming friends.

Episode 136 - Season 6, Episode 21: Above Exalted Cyclops

Chelsea sets Alan up on a blind date with her new friend… Rose (guest star Melanie Lynskey)!

Episode 137 - Season 6, Episode 22: Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

After Charlie reluctantly agrees to let Chelsea move in and he mourns the loss of his bachelor pad, Alan finds that there's not much space left for him in the house. Series star Jon Cryer directs.

Episode 138 - Season 6, Episode 23: Good Morning Mrs. Butterworth

When Alan and Chelsea become best friends, Charlie decides to take advantage of the situation.

Episode 140 - Season 7, Episode 1: 818-jklpuzo

On the seventh season premiere, Charlie (series star Charlie Sheen) must decide between his fiancée, Chelsea (recurring guest star Jennifer Taylor), and his old flame, Mia (recurring guest star Emmanuelle Vaugier). Rock superstar Eddie Van Halen makes a cameo appearance as himself.

Episode 141 - Season 7, Episode 2: Whipped Unto the Third Generation

When Charlie’s fiancée, Chelsea, convinces him to let Melissa (recurring guest star Kelly Stables), Alan’s girlfriend, move in, the girls take over the house.

Episode 145 - Season 7, Episode 6: Give Me Your Thumb

Alan recommends that Chelsea get breast reduction surgery and Charlie kicks him out.

Episode 146 - Season 7, Episode 7: Untainted By Filth

Charlie and Alan wake up together in bed with a strange woman.

Episode 147 - Season 7, Episode 8: Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle

Chelsea invites her beautiful college roommate (guest star Tricia Helfer – Battlestar Galactica) to stay at the house while she gets over a bad breakup.

Episode 149 - Season 7, Episode 10: That's Why They Call It 'Ball Room'

Charlie discovers that Chelsea hasn’t been completely honest about her finances.

Episode 150 - Season 7, Episode 11: Warning It's Dirty

Charlie coaches Jake on the art of infidelity while his girlfriend is away for Christmas. Legendary Television Producer/Writer/Actor Carl Reiner guest stars as “Marty Pepper,” a famous TV producer whom Evelyn invites to Charlie’s for Christmas dinner.

Episode 151 - Season 7, Episode 12: Fart Jokes Pie and Celeste

Jake writes love songs to woo his ex-girlfriend, and Herb and Alan hide their secret friendship from Judith's watchful eye.

Episode 152 - Season 7, Episode 13: Yay No Polyps!

Charlie endures a colonoscopy to get out of a trip to see Chelsea's bigoted parents (guest stars Stacy Keach and Meagen Fay), only to return home and find them in his living room.

Episode 153 - Season 7, Episode 14: Crude and Uncalled For

Alan ends up in jail after a bar fight, and Charlie worries that Chelsea might be interested in the lawyer who takes the case (Steven Eckholdt).

Episode 157 - Season 7, Episode 18: Ixnay On the Oggie Day

Charlie has a return engagement with Chelsea's best friend, while Alan has an unexpected effect on a new female patient. Tricia Helfer returns as Chelsea’s best friend and Frances Fisher guest stars as Alan’s patient.

Episode 158 - Season 7, Episode 19: Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave

Jake's new friend, Eldridge (guest star Graham Patrick Martin), is a bad influence but Alan really likes his hot mom, Lyndsay (guest star Courtney Thorne-Smith).

Episode 159 - Season 7, Episode 20: I Called Him Magoo

Alan tries for an intimate night at a hotel with his new girlfriend (Courtney Thorne-Smith), while Charlie takes a different approach to obtain the "girlfriend experience."

Episode 160 - Season 7, Episode 21: Gumby with a Pokey

Alan and Jake go on a road trip while Charlie is visited by the ghosts of girlfriends past – including guest stars Katherine LaNasa, Ming Na, Emmanuelle Vaugier, Rachel Cannon, Aja Evans, Magdalena Holland, Rebecca McFarland, Katy Mixon, Jodi Lyn O'Keefe, Missi Pyle and Rena Sofer. ZZ TOP also makes a special appearance as themselves, while Martin Mull returns as Charlie’s pharmacist Russell.

Episode 161 - Season 7, Episode 22: This Is Not Gonna End Well

After Charlie’s license is suspended, Jake becomes Charlie’s driver. And much to Charlie’s chagrin, Alan makes plans to attend Chelsea’s birthday party on the seventh season finale. Stacy Keach and John Amos return as Chelsea’s father and his boyfriend.

Episode 162 - Season 8, Episode 1: Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud

On the eighth season premiere, Jake (series star Angus T. Jones) finds out that Alan (series star Jon Cryer) has been dating Eldridge's mom (recurring guest star Courtney Thorne-Smith), so he packs up and heads to Judith (series star Marin Hinkle) and Herb's (recurring guest star Ryan Stiles). Meanwhile, Charlie (series star Charlie Sheen) decides it's time to cut back on boozing.

Episode 163 - Season 8, Episode 2: A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer

When Lindsey asks Alan to move in with her, Charlie will do anything to get Alan to say "yes!"

Episode 166 - Season 8, Episode 5: The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel

Alan goes out on the town pretending to be Charlie while Charlie sneaks off for some cosmetic surgery.

Episode 168 - Season 8, Episode 7: The Crazy Bitch Gazette

Charlie's past comes back to bite him when his girlfriend (Liz Vassey) decides that his longtime stalker, Rose (guest star Melanie Lynskey), is just too much to handle.

Episode 169 - Season 8, Episode 8: Springtime On a Stick

Charlie and Alan try to set up their mother with Russell, the pharmacist (returning guest star Martin Mull).

Episode 171 - Season 8, Episode 10: Ow Ow Don't Stop

Charlie goes on a spending spree for his old fling, Courtney (guest star Jenny McCarthy), who shows up after three years in prison for conning him out of money. Guest star Carl Reiner returns as Marty, Evelyn’s old fling.

Episode 179 - Season 9, Episode 2: People Who Love Peepholes

Guest star Judy Greer is introduced as Bridget, Walden’s ex-wife in the second part of the ninth season premiere.

Episode 180 - Season 9, Episode 3: Big Girls Don't Throw Food

Alan prepares Walden for a date with Bridget, while Jake decides to emulate Walden and drop out of school.

Episode 182 - Season 9, Episode 5: A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

While Alan struggles to come to terms with Lyndsey’s risqué movie past, Walden tries to cheer him up by throwing a party at the house.

Episode 183 - Season 9, Episode 6: The Squat and Hover

Walden receives divorce papers from Bridget, but forgets his depression when he meets a girl who looks eerily like her. Joe Manganiello (True Blood) guest stars as Bridget’s new beau, Alex and Jane Lynch (Glee) returns as therapist, Dr. Freeman.

Episode 185 - Season 9, Episode 8: Thanks for the Intercourse

When Walden begins redecorating the beach house, Alan becomes overly emotional... and is pushed over the edge.

Episode 189 - Season 9, Episode 12: One False Move Zimbabwe!

Walden’s mother, Robin (guest star Mimi Rogers) arrives and Alan is smitten with her – even as she reveals a secret about Walden’s past that sends him into a downward spiral.

Episode 194 - Season 9, Episode 17: Not in My Mouth

Walden and Zoey's relationship has a few ups and downs after they share a near-death experienc...and Walden shares his true feelings. Meanwhile, Alan wonders if Lyndsey has a drinking problem.

Episode 195 - Season 9, Episode 18: The War Against Gingivitis

Things get tense in the Malibu house when Walden’s estranged ex-business partner, Billy (guest star Patton Oswalt), shows up looking to bury the hatchet with a money-making idea. Will their combustible relationship get in the way of their success? Meanwhile, a lonely Alan pays a visit to Berta.

Episode 196 - Season 9, Episode 19: Palmdale Ech

Alan and Lyndsey introduce their mothers (Holland Taylor and Georgia Engel) to one another, so that they can have more time together. Meanwhile, Jake and Eldridge enlist Walden to drive them to a high school house party that they never find.

Episode 197 - Season 9, Episode 20: Grandma's Pie

Walden breaks the news to Zoey that he is going into business with his ex-wife. Meanwhile, Alan and Lyndsey try to come to terms with their moms’ new relationship.

Episode 198 - Season 9, Episode 21: Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'

Walden’s commitment is tested when Zoey and her daughter come to live with him – for a trial run. Meanwhile, Alan gets more than he bargained for when he moves in with Lyndsey.

Episode 199 - Season 9, Episode 22: Why We Gave Up Woman

Academy Award® winner Kathy Bates guest stars as the ghost of Charlie Harper who pays a visit to Alan’s hospital bedside after Alan suffers a minor heart attack.

Episode 201 - Season 9, Episode 24: Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!

Jake is pressured to make a decision about his future on the ninth season finale. Comedian Patton Oswalt returns as Walden’s ex-business partner, Billy.

Episode 204 - Season 10, Episode 3: Four Balls Two Bats and One Mitt

Alan and Lyndsey (recurring guest star Courtney Thorne-Smith) decide to spice things up in the bedroom.

Episode 205 - Season 10, Episode 4: You Know What the Lollipop Is For

Walden starts to feel his age when a friend’s daughter comes to town. Actress Miley Cyrus guest stars as Missi, the friend who comes to visit for a week and develops a relationship with Jake when he comes home from the Army.

Episode 206 - Season 10, Episode 5: That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam

Despite Alan’s warnings, Walden starts dating Rose (recurring guest star Melanie Lynskey).

Episode 210 - Season 10, Episode 9: I Scream When I Pee

Alan’s “smokin’ hot,” famous ex-wife Kandi (guest star April Bowlby) wants him back. Meanwhile, Berta isn’t interested in celebrating her birthday… until Walden helps make it special.

Episode 211 - Season 10, Episode 10: One Nut Johnson

When Alan helps Walden create a new identity in order to find a woman who isn’t just after his money, he encounters a new love interest (guest star Brooke D’Orsay).

Episode 212 - Season 10, Episode 11: Give Santa a Tail-hole

Walden juggles having two identities – rich man and poor man – and “Sam Wilson” gets a new job during the holiday season, while Alan finds himself alone at Christmas.

Episode 213 - Season 10, Episode 12: Welcome to Alancrest

Using Walden’s money, Alan invests in Kate’s fashion line. Meanwhile, leading a double life starts to take its toll on Walden.

Episode 216 - Season 10, Episode 15: Paint It Pierce It or Plug It

Alan has concerns when Jake returns home with Tammy (guest star Jaime Pressly), his 36-year-old girlfriend that he’s madly in love with. Meanwhile, Walden struggles to keep a secret from Alan.

Episode 217 - Season 10, Episode 16: Advantage: Fat Flying Baby

Depressed about being single on Valentine’s Day, Walden tries to convince Kate to give him another chance. Meanwhile, Alan’s all-out Valentine’s Day plans for Lyndsey take a turn for the worse.

Episode 218 - Season 10, Episode 17: Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries

When Walden runs into his ex-wife Bridget at a high-end singles mixer, they talk about getting back together. But Alan feels that she might not be good for Walden.

Episode 219 - Season 10, Episode 18: The 9:04 from Pemberton

Alan moves out after he and Walden get into a fight over a broken toaster. After Alan moves in with Herb, Walden feels bad and tries to apologize. But Herb gets in the way… because he doesn’t want to lose his new roommate.

Episode 221 - Season 10, Episode 20: Bazinga! That's from a TV Show

When Jake cheats on his girlfriend Tammy (Jaime Pressly) with her 18-year-old daughter, Ashley (guest star Emily Osment) Alan and Walden get caught in the crossfire. Scott Bakula guest stars as Ashley’s ex-boyfriend Jerry.

Episode 222 - Season 10, Episode 21: Another Night with Neil Diamond

Alan is devastated when Lyndsey breaks up with him, leaving Walden struggling to find a way to help him get back on his feet.

Episode 223 - Season 10, Episode 22: My Bodacious Vidalia

Alan gets a “breakover” (i.e. post-breakup makeover)! When Walden encourages a depressed Alan to update his look and start dating again, Alan faces a moral dilemma when he attracts a married woman.

Episode 225 - Season 11, Episode 1: Nangnangnangnang

On the eleventh season premiere, Alan and Berta (series star Conchata Ferrell) are shocked when Charlie’s long-lost illegitimate daughter (Tamblyn) shows up at Walden’s beach house to connect with what’s left of her family. Having moved to LA to pursue acting, 25-year-old Jenny likes everything her dad liked… including women.

Episode 228 - Season 11, Episode 4: Clank Clank Drunken Skank

Walden starts partying with Jenny and her hot friends. Meanwhile, Alan and Lyndsey’s illicit affair is jeopardized.

Episode 229 - Season 11, Episode 5: Alan Harper Pleasing Women Since 2003

Alan befriends Lyndsey’s boyfriend Larry (guest star D.B. Sweeney) in an effort to find out what he has that Alan doesn’t. Meanwhile, Walden helps Jenny be more proactive in pursuing her acting career.

Episode 235 - Season 11, Episode 11: Tazed In the Lady Nuts

Walden joins his beautiful former employee, Nicole (guest star Odette Anable) on a brilliant new project. Meanwhile, Alan advises Jenny to open up to her girlfriend Brooke (guest star Aly Michalka) or risk losing her.

Episode 243 - Season 11, Episode 19: Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang

Walden reconnects with Kate and is sure she’s “The One” – that is, until he meets Vivian (guest star Mila Kunis – That ‘70s Show, Black Swan), a beautiful, free-spirited world traveler who shows up on his doorstep. Feeling an instant connection with Vivian, he soon becomes convinced that she’s “The One.” Meanwhile, Alan and Gretchen grow closer.

Episode 245 - Season 11, Episode 21: Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot

Alan’s girlfriend, Gretchen, insists that he confess his true identity to Larry. Meanwhile, Walden goes on a road trip with Jenny and Barry to see his first car.

Episode 246 - Season 11, Episode 22: Oh Wald-E Good Times Ahead

Alan confesses his true identity to Larry and has to face the consequences on the Season Eleven Finale. Guest star Kimberly Williams-Paisley returns as Alan’s fiancée Gretchen, alongside her real-life husband Brad Paisley who makes a cameo appearance.

Episode 247 - Season 12, Episode 1: The Ol' Mexican Spinach

On the twelfth season premiere, Walden decides to reprioritize his life with Alan’s help, following a Halloween health scare. Aisha Tyler guest stars as Walden’s lawyer.

Episode 248 - Season 12, Episode 2: A Chic Bar in Ibiza

When Walden asks Alan to sign a pre-nuptial agreement, Alan gets offended and has second thoughts about getting married. Michael Bolton returns as himself.

Episode 250 - Season 12, Episode 4: Thirty-eight Sixty-two Thirty-eight

Walden and Alan meet a birth mother who’s considering them to adopt her baby. Maggie Lawson guest stars as a social worker helping Walden and Alan adopt a child.

Episode 251 - Season 12, Episode 5: Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.

Walden decides to foster a six-year-old boy, but begins to doubt himself when they don’t bond like he expected. Edan Alexander joins the cast as Louis, the foster child.

Episode 252 - Season 12, Episode 6: Alan Shot a Little Girl

When Alan realizes that Louis thinks he’s cool, he starts breaking Walden’s rules in order to stay that way. Series star Jon Cryer directs.

Episode 254 - Season 12, Episode 8: Family Bublé Deep-Fried Turkey

Walden and Alan are determined to convince Louis that Santa Claus is real. Melanie Lynskey returns as Walden’s stalker, Rose.

Episode 259 - Season 12, Episode 13: Boompa Loved His Hookers

Walden fears that if he breaks up with Ms. McMartin, it will jeopardize his adoption of Louis. Also, Alan hesitates when Lyndsey asks him to move in with her.

Episode 260 - Season 12, Episode 14: Don't Give a Monkey a Gun

After they sign their divorce papers, Walden offers Alan the gift of his choice, but when Alan chooses something selfish and impractical, it puts his relationship with Lyndsey on the line.

Episode 261 - Season 12, Episode 15: Of Course He's Dead Part 1 and 2

Charlie Harper is alive. Or is he? Find out in the special one-hour series finale. Surprise guest stars appear in the conclusion of the successful comedy’s twelfth and final season.

Seasons

Season 1 , Season 2 , Season 3 , Season 4 , Season 5 , Season 6 , Season 7 , Season 8 , Season 9 , Season 10 , Season 11 , Season 12

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